Wishes

I don't pray no more. I wish. Daddy says I'm a sinner but I don't care.
Maybe I don't have to care about nothing no more. Even if I did, I don't have the energy.
I'm tired all the time now. And I have to be strong enough to make my wishes.

I throw pennies in the fountain in front of the children's hospital. Not the regular pennies though. Ones I find on the floor. Heads up. Cause that means all day long ill have good luck. That means my wishes might come true.

I say wishes, but I only wish for one thing, really.

I don't pray no more. Momma cries about that sometimes. she thinks I'm a heathen I suppose. Some people say it. Maybe I embarrass her. That's why she cries. When I asked her "If god was real why would he do what he's doin' to me? I always went to church. I was a good boy. What'd I ever do to god?" she cried more. I think it was cause I'm right. But I didn't smile or nothing I just went on over to her and hugged her around the shoulders.

That's what daddy does when she cries.

Momma cries a lot nowadays. I don't know what her smile looks like anymore.
When we're going through tunnels she holds her breath with me if daddy ain't there. He'd get all mad about it. But you can get wishes that way too. If we both do it there's more of a chance we'll get what we want. I sometimes do it in the CAT scan machine. That's a tunnel too.

I don't pray no more. There's nobody listening. But when Mrs. Johnson and my old classmates come in to pray for me when I'm stuck in the hospital I move my mouth like I'm praying too. They come all that way once a week and its three counties over to get here from the school. I know they mean well so I move my lips. I'm not hurtin' anybody That way one time when I had a relapse and had to come in here the day before my birthday, they brung me a cake. With candles and everything. Nurse turned off the sprinklers so we could light them up. I blew them out and wished with all I had in me. I had three birthday cakes that day and a cupcake from my doctor. That's 4 whole wishes and I made em too. By the end of the day I almost didn't have any breath to hold in the CAT scan machine.

Its almost summertime. And I can see the stars clear as day when its night. They moved me to a room with the big window all by myself. It has everything. My baseball cards and comic books and all my posters from home. I think that means I'm not going home for a while but that's ok with me. I hope momma holds her breath in the tunnels on the way over here.


The doctor keeps saying to momma that they're gonna at least make me comfortable, and she makes like she's gonna cry again but she didn't. Later when I told her all they needed to do to make me comfortable is give me a gown that closes in the back so everyone couldn't see my business she did cry. That's cause I'm ungrateful. I should be happy with what I got.

I wished on 300 stars tonight. Otis, the night guard came in to tell me goodnight. I made him wish on one too. He said the light from stars is a million years old by the time we see it here I joked with him and said "that's about as old as you Otis!" he laughed a little when I said I wouldn't never get that old he stopped laughing and squeezed my hand. And he left. Over in town they'd tell stories about me being friends with a black man but Otis is good people.

I feel like people aren't telling me something.

There's these little flowers in front of my window. Dandy lions I think they're called. Ever since the testing stopped and there's no more cat scans, I hardly have time to wish every day. Nurse told me I could wish on those. She showed me how. You just wish and blow. I blowed them everywhere. They made a mess! But I got my wishes in.

I don't pray no more. I blow flowers now. My room is full of dandy lions. I blow 100 a day at least. God made these if there is a god. But he also made me. And he also gave me leukemia. So I don't care.

I didn't know the dandy lion wishes were seeds. I have to blow them outside from now on so more can grow. I can wish all the time till I go home and more will pop right up I think they're pretty even though Otis called them weeds.

I'm not going home. I have a few days left the doctor says. I'm dying. Nurse hugged me tight. She pushed my face all in her bosom. It smelled like powder. She had big tears on her face. Daddy cried. Momma hugged him around his shoulders. Otis came in and gave my daily shipment of dandy lions. When he saw everybody he started to leave. I told him I still needed them he wanted to ask me why I know he did. They all did. And they wouldn't so I told them. I been wishing for a cure this entire time. And I didn't get it. But if I don't keep wishing till I cant wish no more then the next kid in this room will have to work harder to get their wishes in. I'm gonna wish and blow all day. And if I don't get my cure and I die that's ok. There will be plenty of dandy lions for the next kid who comes along.

Maybe they'll wish too.